Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
