Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
