The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
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No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
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The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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