They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
