My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
