Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Someone shit on the floor
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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