1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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