I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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