Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
