3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
