I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
