im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Randomize
