from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Randomize
