So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Your cock deserves a montage
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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