Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
