you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Let's paint friendship bongs
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
We were destined to go to rehab together
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Randomize
