i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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