I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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