Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Holy sore nipples Batman
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
