i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
