Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
