You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
