I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
