god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
