Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
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you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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