I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
