I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
