You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
