We named our party play list daddy issues
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
