my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
