Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
false alarm, still single
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