Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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