No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
