I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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