How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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