I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Randomize
