I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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