what day is it and did you see me today?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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