i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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