alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
