I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
