Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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