He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
time to smoke my breakfast
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Randomize
