Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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