I can text with my tongue
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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