I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
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