I'm so fucking centered right now
babies were throwing up all over the place
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
