lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
