Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
