I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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