we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
