we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
As shirtless as possible
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
