I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
