when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I AM VODKA MAN
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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