I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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