You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Randomize
