what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
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His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
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HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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