Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
