i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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