Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Dicks are not precious.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
