TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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