life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
