She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
