The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
